In Depth: What Parents Heard About Grief, Guilt and Getting Help

The following is a summary of what was discussed during the parent breakout session of  "A Dialogue for Parents and Teens about Death and Suicide," a March 9 Batavia Parent Academy event.

This summary is not intended to cover all aspects of suicide. For more information about the dialogue and local resources in our area, click .

Everybody Grieves Differently

• Children of different ages grieve differently. Grief comes and goes, there is no set rules or emotions someone will follow. Experts used to discuss formal stages of grief, but in many ways it may not follow a pattern, said Eleanor Salyer, Suicide Prevention Services school liaison and counselor.
• Sometimes students may not have obvious signs of grief such as crying or outbursts. They may be grieving quietly. Do not mistake this for a non-reaction or indifference towards what happened.
• In cases of suicide, there can be strong feelings of anger and guilt. Survivors of someone who committed suicide cannot carry their guilt forever. Sometimes people get “tunnel vision” about suicide and will not let anything or anyone stop them. You can’t blame yourself.

Don’t Rush Grief

• Adults should never force grieving students back to their routines if they don’t want to go there. Sometimes it may be comforting for the adults who are grieving if they see children going back to their routines, but the children need that time to heal, said Joanne Furnas, director of Crisis Services at the Aurora-based Association for Individual Development.
• Needing time to grieve without pressure was also the message the students brought back from their discussion session to the parents.

Be Open and Do Not Judge

• Think about your body language and how you respond to someone who tells you they have suicidal thoughts. Withhold your religious beliefs about suicide if someone comes to you in crisis. You don't want people to shut down because they feel like they are being judged, Furnas said.

What do you if your child is worried that a friend might commit suicide?

• Try to find them an adult they can talk to. The school can arrange to have the friend meet privately and confidentially with a school counselor.
•  If the situation appears urgent, and it appears as if the friend might commit suicide soon, then someone should contact the police to intervene, Furnas said.
• “I would rather have an alive friend that’s mad at you instead of a dead friend,” Furnas said.

When the School Counselors Aren’t Enough

• For children who are already in counseling at school, look for changes in sleeping and eating patterns. This could be an indicator that more outreach is needed.

Suicide: Impulsive to Premeditated

• Suicide can be more impulsive for youth than it can be for adults, Furnas said. Furnas has seen adults who prepare paperwork in anticipation of a suicide. For younger people, they might make the decision after they walk out of school and no one may notice their intentions.

Suicide Is Nothing New

• Suicides were not talked about as much in the past because of the stigma. Sometimes deaths that were described as accidental to the outside world were actually suicides.
• About a decade ago, some school training advised against the word “suicide”—people instead had to say that someone “passed away,” said Batavia Superintendent Jack Barshinger.

Don’t Know How to Talk About This? Ask For Help.

• Suicide was described as uncharted territory for many people during the session. Ask a school counselor or seek outside services to figure out what to say and how to say it.

Editor's note: Batavia Patch had the permission of Batavia Public Schools District 101 officials to attend the parent discussion session described in the story. It is the intent ofBatavia Patch to provide more information about the resources that are available for students and families dealing with death and suicide. It is not the intention of this website to share personal stories or other private information shared in the session.

 This event was sponsored by the Batavia Chamber of Commerce, the Batavia Mother’s Club, the Batavia Park District and the Batavia Rotary Club.