Jeff Ward: The Smart People Really Do Live in the Suburbs
When it comes to comparing the suburbs and the big city, Chicago doesn't have a sporting chance.
It always amazes me how a non sequitur sentence in a column can set off some overly sensitive, surly and snooty comments. To wit, in my recent Patch piece concerning the city of Chicago’s rabid revenue raising ruses, I uttered this simple, but obvious truth: “The smart people live in the suburbs for a reason.”
And after they got a suburbanite to read the column to them, those Second City citizens shrieked and howled almost as if I'd said that Starbucks stopped serving Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mochas. (Chicagoans drink some rather strange things.)
So now we know why they call it the “Windy City.” Ah, well! I suppose having to face a bitter truth can be difficult for folks who have to inhale bus fumes on a regular basis.
In their vainglorious attempts to mount some sort of meaningful defense, those snobby second citizens speciously said their restaurants had no suburban parallel. That’s true! Or should I say that’s “Tru!” Because when it comes to charging an arm and a leg for mediocre fare served by a surly and disinterested wait staff, no one can beat that Toddlin’ Town.
Only Chicagoans would boast of a restaurant that offers the rare privilege of paying $200 for an unrecognizable entrée of such miniscule proportion that it wouldn’t satisfy the appetite of a pygmy shrew. And as you desperately try to find your unpronounceable menu choice with a high-powered magnifying glass, you also have to fend off a charging waiter who can’t bear the thought of even one crumb hitting the table cloth.
That certainly sounds like a fun evening to me!
No! You can’t find anything like that in the suburbs because our restaurant owners implicitly understand we have enough connected brain cells to know when we’re being had.
Yet another big-city reader had the nerve to brag about Chicago's professional sports teams. So let’s take a closer look at this purported “advantage.”
Yes! You too can mortgage your house just to purchase a single Cub or Sox ticket, pay $500 to park, fork over $20 for a watered-down beer, $50 for a hot dog that came from an anemic pig, and wait hours in line to use the restrooms, only to watch your team lose another game while some drunken fan throws up on your shoes during the seventh-inning stretch.
Well, either that or you can attend a Bears game where, because of the the increasingly ill-mannered fans, security is so tight you have to endure a full body cavity search just to get in to Soldier Field. Or, as you all call it, “Soldiers Field.”
You can forget about your Blackhawks, because we’ve already established that any sport that requires ice isn’t a real sport. As for the Bulls … Oh, that’s right! They’re on strike because the average NBA player can’t get by on anything less than $8 billion a year.
Let’s not forget the post-game crowd, either. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a Wrigleyville denizen exclaim, “Look, Honey! Out there on front lawn! It’s a blue-capped, beer-soused urinating Cubs fan. Aren’t they cute!”
In the Western Suburbs, for a mere 10 bucks with free parking, you can go to a Kane County Cougars game and actually buy a hot dog without having to recruit a co-signer. And the players won’t spit at you when you ask them for an autograph, either. Unlike the Cubs and Sox, the Cougars made the playoffs again this year!
Then some whiny Chicago folks tried to brag about regularly gawking at Lake Michigan and claimed nothing compares to their beautiful lakefront bike path. I have to admit, it is actually safer to gaze longingly upon those beaches because, for 90 percent of the summer, they’re closed due to fecal contamination.
And I’ll also agree that nothing quite compares to that overcrowded bike path, which makes China’s densest cities seem like open space.
Another reader boasted of “enjoying” his daily downtown six-block walk to work. While I can only imagine that dodging bike messengers, muggers, rats the size of Volkswagens, hordes of pigeons and the random Chicago alderman must be fun and entertaining, I simply walk downstairs.
And you Chicagoans just love being stacked on top of each other, don’t you! What you call a back yard, we call a porch. Out here, when folks let their Chihuahua out back, the poor dog actually has enough room to turn around.
But the worst affront of all came when some silly second citizens had the nerve to say the Chicago Public School system was better than our suburban counterparts. They had the temerity to claim that five of the top 10 Illinois public high schools were right there in Chicago.
Yeah! That’s because, in that tried and true Chicago tradition, their magnet and charter schools rig the ballot by choosing their students. If suburban school systems were permitted to engage in those kinds of shady shenanigans, no CPS school would crack the top 1,000.
Then, in an irony to end all ironies, immediately after I wrote the previous column, as if to prove my thesis that Chicago will do anything to pick your pocket clean, their aldermen just announced a plan to blanket the city with speed cameras!
Most suburbs don’t subscribe to red-light cameras, much less this kind of unconstitutional and unconscionable revenue-raising monstrosity. So get out your wallets, my delusional and misguided city dwellers! In the very near future, if you do as much as one mph over the speed limit on Lake Shore Drive, you’ll be coughing up another 100 bucks.
All I can say is, “I rest my case!” The smart people really do live in the suburbs, for all the right reasons.
But all is not lost, my sad second citizens! I’m starting a new 12-step program to rid you of your delusional Chicago-centric thinking. And the first step in the recovery process is to admit you have a problem.
So repeat after me, “Jeff Ward is always right.” I don’t know about you, but I certainly feel better.
In This article
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Starbucks Coffee
229 W State St, Geneva, IL -
Kane County Events & Cultural Center
33w848 Cherry Ln, Geneva, IL -
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Joe Bechtold
6:42 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
One correction Jeff - suburbanites have real dogs, not dogs Chihuahua's (purse dog's).
Jeff Ward
7:05 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Joe,
You are absolutely correct sir! Chicago's rats are typically bigger than those condo dweller dogs.
I simply used the Chihuahua to illustrate exactly how small their "back yards" really are!
Jeff
Colin C.
8:15 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Face it Jeff, the real reason that we are short on Chihuahuas and other "foo-foo" dogs is that they keep getting themselves eaten by coyotes.
Jeff Ward
8:39 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Colin,
And rightfully so!
Jeff
prairiemoon
8:34 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Your story was sullied by your unwarranted slam on the Blackhawks and hockey. Most hockey players can play or have played baseball. Most baseball players couldn't possibly have the stamina or skill to play hockey.
Thus, hockey is a sport, much more so than baseball. Your self-righteous, ignorant view is made further invalid by the fact that hockey is also played indoors and on grass.
BTW, the word is spelled MINUSCULE. So have your dictionary nearby next time you write your next smug, condescending column.
Jeff Ward
8:47 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Dear Sad Second Citizen,
I stand by my proclamation that any sport that requires ice is for sissies. And please don't embarrass yourself any further by referring to field hockey which also isn't a sport. Of course, you can't play it in Chicago because you have no fields.
And lastly, I thought I'd throw one misspelling in "their" to make you Chicagoans feel just a bit better about yourselves.
Who says I don't have a heart!
Jeff
Kent Frederick
9:24 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Jeff,
I used to have the best of both worlds, when I worked downtown and lived in the suburbs. If you work downtown, then you can walk most places during lunch. When I worked downtown, I could walk to Field's or Carson's. Working in the suburbs means getting the car out of the parking garage to Carson's at Yorktown or Field's (I mean Macy's) at Oak Brook. It also means getting the car out of the garage just to go to McDonald's. Downtown, I could walk to Billy Goat's for a cheeseburger or Ricobene's for a very wet Italian Beef.
Personally, I like some of the restaurants downtown. I enjoyed the Pump Room, before it started the decline. I loved Berghoff's, before it was downsized. You won't find a view in the suburbs that compars to The 95th.
Yes, the price of a MLB game is horrible. Yet, Elfstrom Stadium doesn't have the charm of Wrigley. Besides, when did supporting a sports team always mean winning? Red Sox fans are probably the most loyal fans on the planet, and they endured the 86-year drought.
On the other hand, while I preferred working downtown to the suburbs and enjoy the restaurants, the museums, and the shows, you couldn't pay me to live in Chicago. We have garages for our cars, lots of free parking, good schools, and such. And, there are plenty of Republicans out here. Chicago Democrats think Republicans are snooty, wealthy, and anti-union. We aren't that bad, but why live where being Republican makes you a second-class citizen.
Scott C.
9:26 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Um, Jeff, pardon me, but please recall your absolute proclamation not to respond to those who do not include their first and last name. I'm sure this was a simple absent minded oversight (yet again - you seem to be doing this a lot lately). If not, I look forward to your new piece on how you've seen the light that ideas and substance of comments actually matter more than satisfying your petulant need to see a first and last name that may or may not actually be real but somehow causes a calm to wash over you as you read and respond.
You may have a heart, but I'm starting to question your mind...
http://downersgrove.patch.com/articles/jeff-ward-if-you-cant-put-your-name-on-it-it-aint-worth-saying
Jeff Ward
9:29 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Scott,
I have to make an exception for Chicagoans because even I understand why they wouldn't want to let the world know they live in Chicago.
It's a mercy thing.
Jeff
robert poznanski
9:32 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
I don't know how many Cub games you've gone to Jeff, but if you would do a random check of all the fans around you, you would probably be surprised,(or in your case, amazed) at the number of suburbanites,that make up the fan population! Do you think that the normal Chicagoan would pay those prices? No, its the suburban fan, with the resources to pay, that brings in the money! So much for that theory!!Also, only those who are unaware, and are "rubes",go to the "Foo,Foo restaurants that you talk about, so perhaps, you can place yourself, some what ,in that description,if that has happened to you! Those places are for tourists,and the unaware, again, of which you most certainly appear! The Chicago neighborhoods, have such a varied amount of eateries,that unfortunately,because of lack of traffic, the suburbs could only hope to emulate ,their variety! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love living in the Tri-Cities,have for decades, but ,as the song says,"Don't criticize, what you can't understand!
Jeff Ward
9:47 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Robert,
I was only counteracting the Chicagoans who bragged about those specific things. The fact that some suburbanites go to Wrigley Field doesn't make it right, it only means that we should get those folks to move into Chicago where they belong!
Jeff
Robert Bykowski
9:36 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Jeff, if you have to mortgage your house to buy a Sox ticket, you're disproving your own theory about suburbanites being smarter! They practically give those things away.
Jeff Ward
9:44 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Robert,
This is true, but that's because no one in their right mind would want to see a Sox game anyway.
Jeff
Robert Bykowski
9:52 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
perhaps, but, yknow, the same is doubly true about seeing a Kane County Cougars game. Once you (the global you), as a person, start believing a minor league baseball game is somehow more rewarding than seeing a professional sports league, you're either living in Nebraska or clinically insane.
Jeff Ward
9:55 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Robert,
You wouldn't be the first one to accuse me of insanity.
But the truth is, I'm so tired of watching millionaire athletes screw up and whine, I don't even watch professional sports any more. I'd much rather watch the Cougars or a high school football game!
Jeff
Mike Garrity
9:45 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Ahh...this is funny! Ol' Jeffy got zippo response to his "hard-hitting" love letter to Senator Doolittle earlier this week, so he's retreated to his safety zone: over-the-top screeds that draw comments. This goes in the bin with fire pits, beauty pageants, Halloween decorations, and other great issues of the day. Jeffy writes to get a response...and then he gets to respond to the response...which garners another response..for him to respond to.
These lightweight columns are fairly pathetic...but they serve to point out his complete lack of influence in the political sphere.
Mike
10:57 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Mike, Your right on. His column is nothing more than rubbish.
Chris
10:58 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Chicago should have become its own state. Then you suburbanites could congregate around another state-city for your existence....Welcome to Rockford!!
Tony Cesare
1:37 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Chris-I live in the suburbs but have commuted downtown for work for over 20 years, and I love it. I can't imagine how boring life would be without the occasional night out downtown, after work drink at a favorite dive or just a glimpse of the Milenium Park bandshell or the lake. I'd loose my mind lving AND working in the burbs'.
Jeff Ward
1:41 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Tony,
I think that ship has already sailed!
Jeff
Jeff Ward
11:09 am on Friday, November 4, 2011
Chris,
Not Rockford! Anything, but that!
Jeff
Andrew Karas
12:31 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Jeff, I don't get it. What would make you happy? It's like you hate everything people do.
Jeff Ward
12:33 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Andrew,
Avoiding Chicago makes me happy. So does going to a Kane County Cougars game or riding my road bike in western Kane county.
Jeff
Mike
12:35 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Yes. He's a miserable person. Bottom line.....he has nothing to do.
Mike Garrity
2:49 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
To my point: 25 comments, 10 of which are Jeffy's. Beware of exploding ego...
Andrew Karas
3:07 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
It sounds like you do have a genuine positive side... I dare you to prove it by writing a full, serious article that either contributes to our collective knowledge, proposes a constructive idea, or complements someone or their project. Patch already beats the Doings and Suburban Life by having more engaging reporters and containing actual facts. It would be shame if our Patch, our good news source, has to come with cynical columnists attached.
Jeff Ward
3:11 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Andrew,
How about this one!
http://geneva.patch.com/articles/jeff-ward-a-local-public-school-that-got-religion
I write five columns a week - 1 for the Beacon News, 1 for the Courier News, 2 for Geneva Patch and Friday's that goes out to 11 Patches. Ya oughtta read 'em all!
Jeff
Andrew Karas
4:31 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Hey! I'm impressed. I wish I lived in Streamwood.
Jeff Ward
4:39 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Andrew,
I lived in Streamwood for 7 years and I wouldn't go that far. And the U46 school district has plenty of troubles. But Tefft is one bright spot in an NCLB wasteland.
Jeff
Marilyn
5:19 pm on Friday, November 4, 2011
Marilyn
Your article is humorous, and I should probably just leave it at appreciating that. BUT when you use the word "smarter" I've got to rise to the occasion. Weren't we all a bit embarassed to see that none of our Glenbard High Schools made it among the top 50 on "smarts" in the area? Chicago had 6 high schools in the top 50. We had none. And nearby Wheaton North and Wheaton Warrenville are "smarter." I'm not sure just how low we are since I didn't get to the web page yet that lists all schools. But yikes, guys. What's up with Glenbard. We aren't even second rate. We're lower than 50th rate. hmmm Too much attention to lights for athletics rather than academics for all? Not to be a downer, but this was a big surprise.
I'd like an answer from the principal.
Sandy Kaczmarski
9:30 pm on Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I remember going downtown on summer nights, parking on the street, and waiting for a table with a drink outside Pizzeria Due. Now you pay $30 for parking if you can find a space. We've got some pretty impressive food fare out this way and instead of rats with wings (pigeons), we have seagulls in the Jewel parking lot. Go figure.
Thomas
1:07 pm on Wednesday, November 23, 2011
OUTSTANDING!!!
http://news.mywebpal.com/news_tool_v2.cfm?show=localnews&pnpID=469&NewsID=1009200&CategoryID=7026&on=1